Bitter Love
by OmoideKeeper
Summary: MINOR SPOILERS FOR BOOK 16 AND THE LAST BOOK OF TOKYO BABYLON. Kamui's thoughts to Subaru after Seishirou's death and Subaru's leaving. Fuuma's thoughts on Seishirou's death. R


Bitter Love

By OmoideKeeper

* * *

Subaru. Damnit, why did you have to leave?   
  
I know the answer to the question already. You don't need to tell me that answer. I know. You had your wish, your sister, the Sakurazukamori, I know all that. I know, and I guess, as your friend, I should understand why you left. Why you had to leave. I guess, as your friend, I should understand that you needed time alone. I should've understood that you needed time to grieve, time to let go of what you'd lost. I should've known you needed time to accept the finality of the situation we were in, time to accept the death of dreams.   
  
But I didn't want to see you go. 

Damnit, Subaru. You know how much I hurt when Fuuma became the thing he is now because of my choice to protect people. You know how much it hurts to lose a lover and a best friend all at once because of some stupid thing called destiny which plays with all of us and doesn't give a sh*t about our feelings. You know how much I want to just end this all one way or another and get my Fuuma back to the way he was before. 

You were the one who held me close in those nights when I couldn't help it anymore and I cried those tears I wouldn't let anyone else see, the tears that fell for the hopelessness of everything. For the sorrow that everyone was caught in this and that I couldn't do anything about it. You were the one who kissed away those salty tracks, whispering words of encouragement, telling me that you would always be there for me.   
  
Where are you now, Subaru? I need you. 

You promised, Subaru. Are you going to break that promise? Is destiny so cruel that they would take away my heart twice? Just because I am 'Kamui' it doesn't mean I'm indestructible. It doesn't mean I can't hurt, can't bleed, can't feel like anyone else. It doesn't mean I don't cry when I lose someone. It doesn't mean I can't experience the brutal agony of having your heart ripped away and then watching as it's crushed.   
  
You know I'm human, Subaru. You know I'm just a teenage boy caught up in this whole mess. You know because you were once like me, that's what you told me, that's what you whispered to me. You told me you'd help me get through it because you wanted someone to do it for you when you were younger. You said you'd wondered the same questions before, that you didn't want me to turn out like you, cold and tired. 

Why, Subaru? Why did you leave? 

I want you back, Subaru. As selfish as it sounds, I don't think I can stand it if you stay away for much longer. And if I ever have to fight against you, the way I'm fighting against Fuuma right now...I don't know what'll happen. I won't fight you, Subaru. I can't. I don't have a choice with Fuuma. He'll kill the others if I don't. 

But you wouldn't destroy them, would you? You wouldn't use your powers against Yuzuriha, would you? She's fourteen, only fourteen, Subaru. I know she's still trying to get over everything. You wouldn't destroy Sorata either. You know what he lives for, and you understand. You've lived for love before, haven't you. And you wouldn't hurt Karen or Arashi. I know you better than that. And as for Aoki, you wouldn't touch him, would you? 

Where are you, Subaru? I need you. 

I don't want anything to happen. I hear the others talking in low whispers from downstairs, speculating over you and your disappearance, the death of the Sakurazukamori. They think you'd leave us for the enemy. Don't join the Chi no Ryuu, please, Subaru. Please don't. I'm begging you not to, Subaru, can you hear me? I couldn't bare to lose you too. I've lost so much already, Subaru. Don't do this to me. I can't stand it. 

I want you next to me, I want to hear you whisper in my ear the way you always did before you left that day, I want to hear you murmuring to me, telling me that you're here, that I'm safe, that nothing will happen so long as we stay together, until the next morning. Telling me there IS hope in the world, that I must never give up. That I must never become cold and bitter, the way you always claimed you were. That I must never forget about love. 

I want you here with me, Subaru. 

You probably think I'm just being selfish. Well, maybe I am. But I can't stand it without you, Subaru. I know Fuuma's going to make his move, but without your strength, can I fight him, can I...kill him the way I have to one day? Please, Subaru, answer me, somehow. I know you're not here, but I wish you were. 

I hate the Sakurazukamori for taking you away from me. His death should've freed you from him, but instead you're even more captive by him, aren't you? I've heard the legend of the Sakurazukamori, that whoever kills the past will become the new one, but I don't want you to be the new Sakurazukamori. That would make you my enemy. 

I can't have you as my enemy. 

Your sister, Hokuto, would she understand what's going on right now? Would she know where you are? I wish she was here, so that I could talk to her, so I could learn about you and about the secrets hidden within your dark eyes. Maybe I can. It's easier to imagine someone I've never met than to imagine you. 

Maybe it's because you're Subaru, and I'm Kamui. Maybe it's because I care too much for you. But, Subaru, I can't help it. I can't stop caring for you. I can't give up on you. I can't believe someone as good as you would leave. I wish you were here, next to me, kissing away these salty tears the way you always did before. 

Subaru...I never told you how much I loved you, did I? 

You always seemed to understand everything before I said it, so I guess I never felt the need to tell you. But now that I think about it, now that I worry that I'll never see you again, I wish I'd told you. I wish I'd found the courage to whisper those words to you. You deserved that much from me. You deserved the truth. 

I was scared, I admit it. The last person I whispered those sacred words to, he left me and became my enemy. The way everyone else is reading it, you might do the same. I've made myself believe Fuuma is dead, at least, sort of. Enough that I can try to protect the others. But can I do that again, to you? It's killing me, Subaru. Come back to me, help me get through this once more. I need you back, Subaru. I need you. 

It's so hard to imagine fighting you, Subaru, but I have to. I have to because if I don't it could mean the death of one of the others. Yuzuriha, Arashi, Karen, Sorata, Aoki...all of them. I have to protect them in some way. Even if it means imagining fighting you. Even if it means thinking about...killing the person I gave my heart to. Can you understand? Can you forgive me? I don't want to fight you, Subaru. I swear I don't. 

Do I have a choice anymore? When I was little, I used to think I could change destiny, I could choose what happened. Well, that obviously didn't work, did it? I couldn't protect the only three people I really cared for when I was young. My mother died before my eyes, caught in a fire I couldn't stop. Then, when I came back to Tokyo to protect Kotori and Fuuma, Fuuma killed Kotori and became my enemy, the dark 'Kamui'. 

Damnit, Subaru, why can't I fix anything? Why am I so powerless? Why can't I save anyone? Why can't I change destiny to protect the people I care about, the people who don't deserve death or destruction? I'm supposed to have God's Power. Well, where the hell is it when I need it? It's nowhere, Subaru. I need you to help me understand that. I need you to tell me it's ok to cry, Subaru, I need you to tell me it'll all be ok. 

What I'm really afraid of, is that everyone else will die, and I'll be the only one left. Did you know that, Subaru? I'm sure I must've told you sometime. I would've done that, I know. I don't want the others to die. But everyone I care for seems to die or leave me. I can only pray that they'll leave me instead of dying. I don't want to see them die, Subaru. I don't think I could bear to watch each of them fall because I wasn't strong enough to defeat Fuuma. 

But then again, if they all leave me, I think I'll die. 

Maybe that's why I didn't want to get close to anyone ever again, Subaru. I forgot about the pain it causes when you care so much. I forgot about the sorrow you feel when you lose people. I forgot about the sadness, the loss of sanity when you don't see anyone. I let all of you drag me into this, I lost people, I was vulnerable, I opened my heart, and now look where it's gotten me. 

I don't want to lose you, Subaru. 

I'm scared. 

Please come back, Subaru... 

* * *

He's dead. It took a while for that to sink in. I go around granting people's wishes, but I didn't expect that to happen. Seishirou did though. You could see it in his eyes. He wanted to die by Sumeragi's hands, he wanted to die in the way he killed the girl all those years ago. So, he used the girl's spell to die. 

I have to admit, it was something I'd never seen happen before. The shock on Sumeragi's face when he realized his hand was in the chest of the man he'd once loved, that was something which could never leave anyone. The pain in his eyes, the final words whispered to him by Seishirou...I don't understand. 

What Seishirou meant to happen by his death, that's something I'll never know. I already have realized that much. 

I didn't love him. That's the truth. I don't love anyone. I don't know if I have that emotion, love. But, I think if there's anyone in the world I could've loved, it would've been him. He was like me. He cared for someone, and then that someone left. He fought against this person, and the anger was within him, though he didn't show it. 

I didn't love him, but I understood him. 

Sakurazukamori Seishirou. One of my seven dragons. Now dead and gone, the single good eye he possessed given to the one who slew him. Will Sumeragi come to me to fill the Sakurazukamori's place? Perhaps. I don't know yet. He is the new Sakurazukamori. He needs to realize it, and do what needs to be done. 

Destiny has dealt an interesting hand. Does anyone else see it yet?   


Kamui, the child I fight against. For some reason, when I see him I remember the rain, and a small puppy. A few whispered words, a soft smile of hope. But the images disappear when I want them to, and I can fight again. I have to admit, Kamui is an interesting boy. He cared for no one, and now he cares for everyone. Hah. Stupid child. 

Sumeragi Subaru, the sorcerer who was loved by Seishirou. I took from him the eye he felt he owed to Seishirou, but he wasn't satisfied by that. He had to go and kill the Sakurazukamori, didn't he. If I feel anything for him, it's anger. But then again, I can't go showing that. It wouldn't be proper. He'll come if he's needed. 

Sakurazukamori Seishirou. I could've loved him. What was between us was more of a do-whatever-you-like-I-don't-care type of arrangement. We were too much alike for it to go any further. Had either one of us been more like Sumeragi or Kamui, it might have gotten somewhere, but...all I know is that I could've loved him, if I'd had enough of a heart, and enough courage to do so. If I could've felt something in myself. 

And then there's me. Kamui calls me 'Fuuma.' By others I'm called 'Kamui'. Who am I? I don't know. 

Seishirou used to tell me it didn't matter who I was, the only thing that mattered was the fact that I knew what I wanted in life. But I didn't. And I told him that. I remember his response, his laugh and then, "But, does it matter so much to you?" I had to admit, it didn't. All that mattered was these wishes, the fact that I was powerful. 

But that was Seishirou's way. He always seemed to take things as they came. He wasn't one for manipulating events, he simply took what he was given, and changed it around as he wished. He made the best of things, and killed as he pleased. Yes, he was the ultimate power. But that doesn't mean anything. 

He told me he didn't know who he was either. He killed his own mother, as I killed the girl who was once my sister. He gave his mother's body to the Sakura tree, where he now lays. He destroyed so many lives in his lifetime, cut short by Sumeragi. 

Who was he? he asked me one night, Human or Monster? The Sakura tree was a monster who fed on blood and victims given by the Sakurazukamori. But he had a human body, he had a human heart, even if no one else seemed to know it was there. Even if no one cared what he felt. So what was he? Who was he? 

I held him then, and was shocked to find my cold Sakurazukamori's face wet with tears. I told him it didn't matter, that no one really knew who they were anyway. I told him as long as he had a human body, he was human in his own right. I told him that no matter what happened, the Sakura tree could do what it liked, but he was human. 

That was only two nights before he forced Sumeragi to kill him. 

I should've guessed something was different with him, I should've known, but I didn't. Ok, so destiny didn't want me to manipulate her. That didn't mean I wanted it to happen. Seishirou was my link to myself. 

Just because I give other people their wishes, it doesn't mean I can grant my own. It doesn't give me that power. I can't do what I want. Hah. 'God's Power'. Right. Gods are able to do what they wish, Gods are able to grant their own wishes. 

Seishirou was the closest thing I ever had to a lover. When we slept together, there was a tinge of something different from ever before, but I refused to let it touch me. I couldn't let it touch me, because otherwise I wouldn't be the impenetrable 'Kamui', now would I? He still remembered that Sumeragi Subaru, I knew that. I wanted to be able to love him. I wanted to be able to care about him and keep him close at all times. 

I couldn't. I couldn't hold onto him. 

I know I should've told him everything about myself, the way he confided in me, but others tell me that 'Kamui' must be strong. 'Kamui' must never show a weakness to anyone. That includes 'Kamui's' own teammates. That includes the person who 'Kamui' sleeps with. That includes the person who I could've given myself to. 

So I didn't tell him. I have to be strong. 

I could've loved Seishirou. Something held me back. Maybe destiny was being kind to me, knowing he would die soon. Maybe he wasn't ready to be loved again. Maybe I knew it wasn't his wish and I was afraid of granting my own because it's something I've never done before, and there's no real point in it. 

Does it really matter? He's gone. He's dead. That's all. 

Or is it? 

Will Sumeragi come to me? Will he take Seishirou's place in the ranks of the Chi no Ryuu? Will he choose to become one of us and fight against Kamui? 

And if he does come, will I be able to grant his wish? Or will he give me a new wish for myself? And if he does...will I be brave enough to grant it to myself this time? 

Good-bye, Seishirou. 

I could've loved you. 


End file.
